It’s been one of those days. You know, the one where you wake up filled with hope that today is going to be the best day ever. I frequently wake up feeling this way. For me, it’s that I’m going to change, that I won’t be filled with despair at the end of the day, that I won’t feel the weight of sheer exhaustion of just being me. 

It’s only the afternoon but I already feel defeated. This is what life is like living with bipolar disorder. My rapid cycling of feeling manic and excited then shifting to easily irritated and triggered has already reared its ugly head. 

Sadly, the person I take it out on most is my husband. I married someone with no clinical diagnosis of mental illness. Although he experiences situational anxiety and sadness, like most, nothing neurological prohibits him to feel happiness like I do. 

Living with bipolar disorder is hard. I recently had a conversation with him about my own happiness. I expressed that it’s difficult for me to feel joy most of the time. The highs of my mania and sudden drops into depression seep into my everyday life and ruin most experiences for me. It truly is not easy to enjoy my life at times.

I have seen psychiatrists, therapists, and checked into mental health facilities. I take my medications regularly and I have a fantastic support system of friends and family. My mood swings still happen almost daily and it’s taking a toll on my marriage. 

It’s only the afternoon but I already feel defeated. This is what life is like living with bipolar disorder. My rapid cycling of feeling manic and excited then shifting to easily irritated and triggered has already reared its ugly head.

I often feel judgment and even resentment. But the lack of empathy is what triggers me the most. I understand being with someone diagnosed with bipolar cannot be easy. In fact, I imagine it can be heartbreaking. However, without empathy, you’ll never be able to give the grace and love that people who are suffering from mental illness really need. 

One of the most helpful books I have read on relationships and marriage has always been “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. He details five specific ways that we express and receive love. Learning these “languages” has taught me invaluable lessons that I try to apply to my marriage. 

The five love languages include:

  • Physical touch
  • Quality time
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts

And lastly, my personal favorite, words of affirmation.

I’ve always been better with words, especially when writing. Sometimes when I talk I become too emotional and the words just do not come out right. So to my husband, I write you this letter…

I hope this letter explains to him that my mental illness is not my choice. I have had the unhealthiest coping mechanisms for the longest time in order to “treat” my bipolar disorder. In the past, this has involved drug use and smoking or drinking. When life feels too overwhelming, I’d rather numb the pain in any way possible.

Dear my love,

Now as a mother of four, I cannot rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms. But what do you do when the one person you want to count on the most isn’t there for you? I have to understand and accept him for who he is and what he is capable of giving me. 

Sometimes love isn’t enough. Love can’t always sustain happiness during times of heartache and loss. I can’t rely on another person to make myself happy. As a person with mental illness, it’s completely unfair to have someone else’s happiness contingent on mine. I read this analogy on social media which has helped shift my perspective on love:

But what do you do when the one person you want to count on the most isn’t there for you? I have to understand and accept him for who he is and what he is capable of giving me. 

“Some people are ‘gallon people’ and some people are ‘pint people’. I live my life as a gallon person. I want to give a gallon, and expect to get a gallon in return. However, some people are pint people. They only want a pint. When you give them a gallon; it overflows and is wasted. Then when you expect a gallon to fill us back up, they only have a pint to give. A person is never going to be able to give you what you need; you need to find it somewhere else— or better yet, within yourself.”

Love is always something that should be given freely with zero expectations. Expectations become conditions and should never be motivations. If we get love, it should be a bonus but not the sole reason and purpose of our love. 

I still struggle with self-love, especially living with bipolar disorder. But by slowly learning to accept me and recognizing the limitations my mental illness may cause, I’ve learned to be a better partner and wife. 

If you or a loved one are struggling with bipolar disorder, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.